Excerpts from 'Cate Confidential'
WAS I HAVING A PSYCHIC REACTION?
I wanted to some how be part of their trip and to look like the bigger person, so I offered to drive the men to the airport. Upon arrival, they all piled out of my car with strangely horrifying smirks on their faces. They looked like troops ready to go off to war. I hated them all, especially Charlie. "Don't worry honey, I will only be in Vegas for 2 days." (Let's see that would be 48hrs too long). Charlie said this to me with a sense of ease that made me realize there was plenty to worry about. I'm sure my face was painted with fear. I knew I wasn't technically allowed to be this bothered, because in actuality he didn't owe me anything. In reality I was mad at myself for caring. I feared I would be labeled insane if I let my emotions get the best of me. But, I wanted him to live up to the expectations I had of him, and I was angry I didn't have the right to ask him to.
ME CATE YOU TARZAN
I was sitting at my favorite West Hollywood coffee shop having my morning latte in the process of counting how many boys took condoms from the freebee jar when Tarzan swung into frame. I was thinking how incredibly sad it was that all the gorgeous men were gay, unfair really, when he smiled at me. I turned around half expecting a man in a mesh tank with a hot body to be standing behind me. But there was only an old Russian woman counting pennies. Then it happened Tarzan approached me. His name was not actually Tarzan but I swear give him a loin cloth and a "grunt" and he would be the spitting image. After about two minutes of talking I realized he may just be an idiot but I decided to bypass my hunch. Ah, the things I do for humanity. Unfortunately my work for humanity was done after one date without ever seeing him in a loin cloth.
LET THE GAMES BEGIN
My first date was arranged by my friend Sam. He said he had a great guy to introduce me to, which I now know was a blantent lie which Sam will be punished for later. By the way, what a stupid concept blind dating is. Why would you want to sit through a 2 hour dinner with someone when there is no agreement you like each other? With my mood in general the idea of making conversation with another human being sounded to giving of myself. But, I thought of the other options. There was only one and it was to stay home and starve, So out I went, because I was in an optimistic stage of my life, and thought I would give it a shot....
On hour two I sat there staring at him, wondering how men like him function day to day. I mean he literally had nothing interesting to say. The irony of this was he worked as a writer. What could he possibly have to write that the world needed to hear? I guess he thought it went well because he invited me back to his place. Yes, I declined despite being slightly tipsy and lonely.
THE FOUR LEGGED INTERVENTIONIST
My pseudo boyfriend Charlie called and asked if I wanted to go look at puppies with him. A puppy!! I couldn't control my excitement. I have wanted to get a puppy for some time now. I used to tape pictures of dogs to his fridge trying to get him to see the light. He would leave them there for a bit to appease me but then slowly they would fall to the floor and he would step on it like he did everything else. So you can imagine my excitement when I got the call. Why did I want Charlie to get a puppy so bad? At first, I thought it was simply because selfishly I wanted a new friend and didn't have a yard to house them in. But, then Charlie hit the nail on the head. I WANTED TO DOMESTICATE HIM. So, what if Charlie spoke the truth. Sure, I wanted to bring out that side in him, and if that bitch Daisy, could do it, then she was definitely and asset.
